Betting On Myself

Hey folks. A quick life update here. This won’t be a full, structured piece, just more of a quick one to talk about some life stuff.

Friday, September 18th, I finished up working for the Students’ Association of Mount Royal University. It’s an organization I’ve been with for the past 11 years. It was the place that took a chance on me in 2009 when I had been out of work for nearly 10 months. A place that pulled me out of a very dark and desperate time in my life.

It was a strange day to say the least. Packing up my office, having a nice (socially distanced) last day lunch with my work friends…many of whom hadn’t been together in the same room for months. No big send off, no after work drinks. As has been the case for everyone who has left during COVID, I just quietly left after a few goodbyes. Probably for the best, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it through the day without tears.

Instead I found out from my supervisor, just as we were both getting ready to leave for the weekend (well, me for probably longer than that) that Ruth Bader Ginsburg had just died and a weird day going off into an uncertain future got a lot weirder and more uncertain. I had wanted to write this on Friday, but I didn’t feel like doing much of anything that weekend as my last day seemed pretty small by comparison to what else was going on.

I had made the decision to move on earlier in the year (pre-Covid). I had sat on my decision for a while, every time hearing my supervisor talking about future building plans I would feel the Dr. Zoidberg guilt violin playing in the back of my mind. With many in our department leaving for various reasons, I didn’t want to pile on more stress (or ruin his birthday) so I held it in.

There were a lot of factors that played in. While I had hoped I would grow into my role in the facilities area. The truth, I had to recognize was that five years in, I wasn’t suddenly going to become more mechanically inclined than I am. I’m not that guy. I had taken the job on the basis that I was needed to repair the damaged relationships my predecessor had caused. I would jokingly refer to my job description as “Don’t be an asshole.” Once that task had been completed, I felt it was time to step away so that someone with more technical ability could come in and take some of the workload off my supervisor as plans for the building were beginning to outgrow my abilities to manage.

I had a realization that the one thing I do fairly well (writing and creative stuff), I had been neglecting in favour of the steady paycheck. Trying to be the square peg in a round hole. I’m a creature of habit, and can get so used to familiarity and comfort that I become dependent on it.

I also wanted to go out on my own terms, rather than stay long enough to make leaving not a choice anymore. I have seen people who stay at a job long after checking out and it made me sad to think of myself ever getting to that point of feeling anger towards people and an organization that had overall been good to me.

And finally, there was the nagging specter of time, hanging over me. My father died suddenly in October of 2016. He was 61, I was 31 at the time. Being exactly half way to where your Dad was when he died certainly has a way of putting things into perspective. Having managed to save a bit of the inheritance he left me, I decided that he would have wanted me to be happy pursuing what I was good at and if he could help by buying me some time (and keeping the bills paid) while I figure it out then that would be alright.

Sometimes, your body will tell you things your brain doesn’t want to admit. It used to be that my stress responses would spike when I made work mistakes or faced the possibility of leaving. This would often lead to panic attacks – though I didn’t realize that’s what they were at the time. I remembered those dark days of 2008-2009 when I had graduated right into a recession, and could barely get an interview, let alone a job offer. Every time I would make a mistake, it would feel like stepping back toward that cliff and that panic response would kick in. Over the holidays of Dec 2019, I thought a lot about what the next year would bring and my future. For the first time, I was having panic attacks not at the thought of leaving, but at the thought of staying in a job I felt I wasn’t suited for. The panic attacks stopped the moment I made up my mind to leave. That basically told me all I needed to know.

So, I did something I’ve never done before. I made a New Years Resolution (to leave and pursue my creative stuff) and I actually kept it.

I made the decision to strike out on my own. Going back to school to get a marketing and communications certificate to help shore up areas where I lack skill (ie -self promotion). Creating this site in an effort to get back into writing. To roust that bubbling creativity that had been largely dormant for 11 years.

For 11 years I held a job outside of my interests, skills and education. I don’t regret it, as doing so allowed me to make some great friends, changed who I am for the better, made me more confident and allowed me to build financial security in order to take this next leap into the unknown. SAMRU allowed me to get far enough away from that cliff to no longer live in constant fear of it. They encouraged my growth and made me feel like I had value, not just as the bookstore or facilities guy but as a person, whose presence and absence made had an effect on people. I thank them for the opportunities the organization provided me, and will look back on my time there and the friendships I have made fondly.

I’m not sure exactly where this new path will take me, yet. Still trying to figure out this whole writing gig and where I go from here. I’ve also been taking some “me time” lately. Due to the amount of holiday time I didn’t get around to using up before leaving, I’m technically on paid vacation the next few months. My first order of business is to get more consistent in my output, to exorcise some atrophied skills. So I’m committing to at least one piece a week here (minimum 1000 words…not that that’s ever a problem for me). I’ve also got some ideas for podcasting I’m kicking around, and I’ll keep you posted on that and everything will be included through this site so click on that subscribe button over there if you would like to join up to receive e-mail updates when new things are posted. I’ll also be looking into some monetizing options in the future (Patreon, Ko-Fi, etc).

That’s all for now. Thank you for reading. Follow me on twitter @TheRogueTypist. And you can check out some of my recent work in the links below.

~Mitch