Hey look, this site still works! It’s only been (checks)…two years since my last post. It turns out that working full time leaves one with less energy for creativity. It also turns out that “betting on myself” didn’t result in making a living writing and a big part of my struggle in the five years since the pandemic has been the realization that putting all of that pressure on myself basically locked me into a creative space that made me miserable.
Suddenly, by planting that flag I had to figure out what to write (to be the most marketable), how often to write (to appease social media algorithms) and what to write about (to be SEO friendly).
Turns out I hate all of that stuff and it basically stun locks me into creative paralysis because every minute I spend writing about something I’m actually interested in is time not spent writing about something that earns money. And that guilt sat in the corner of my brain like an unused piece of dusty exercise equipment silently judging me for doing other things.
To answer your questions: I know that was a very specific metaphor and yes I have a rowing machine that judges me passive aggressively. “Oh you’re going to play videogames today?…I guess that’s certainly a choice you could make.”
I still struggle with maintaining the creative drive to be honest. This is the only real skill that I’ve developed enough to break through my aversion to self praise enough to consider something I do perhaps, maybe, sort of, kind of, one might say better than the average person (or at least easier if not better). One would think it would be logical to apply the skill toward earning some kind of validation be it praise, prestige or even a paycheck.
Now that I’ve found a stable job that I enjoy, my urge to write has gradually been seeping back in. I’m lucky to feel valued and creatively stimulated by what I do, and if not living particularly well financially (thanks pandemic recession, housing shortage and two years of part time work!) at least I’m close to solid ground which is more than some can say.
My Hamilton series is a good example of how much my writing ambitions have changed. I started out strongly, envisioning it as an ambitious 3 parter, but it took so long to write that it kind of gradually worked its way out of my headspace and I just didn’t really feel anything about it anymore.
Also, a horde of insurrectionist, conspiracy theorists and white supremacists storming the US Capitol on the orders of a fascist game show host trying to orchestrate a coup kind of soured me on getting deep in the philosophical weeds on George Washington singing wistfully about the responsibility of his office and the peaceful transfer of power.
Yes January 6th 2020 killed Hamilton. Hamilton Part 3 of the series I was writing, to specify, not the historical figure. He was killed by Aaron Burr (spoilers for history).
Add to that event, my ancient iPod finally gave out on me around this time, and left me with no means to listen to the soundtrack to stay in that headspace to sustain a lengthy written series.
The takeaway is both of these weighed equally in ending that series. I don’t know what that says about me, but it’s a true thing.
Just in case you were wondering what happened to Hamilton: Part III.
If you weren’t wondering, I’m sorry for wasting your time just now. I solemnly promise I will most definitely waste more of it in the future.
So I guess the ultimate takeaway here is that I’m still writing. We’ll see what happens next.
RogueType.com 